I believe that
TODAY HAS BEEN AWESOME
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH A MAN FROM KOSOVO AND HE WAS TELLING ME ALL ABOUT THE MOST WONDERFUL WOMAN EVER
HE’S SENDING ME COPIES OF HER MEMOIR AND WWI EPHEMERA
If you’re lesbian and you fall for a guy
If you’re gay and you fall for a woman
If you’re bisexual and you have a preference for girls
If you’re bisexual and you have a preference for guys
If you’re pansexual and have a preference
What’s not fine is telling someone they can’t love another person because it doesn’t fit into the confinements of a label.
T H I S
If you’re asexual and get attracted to someone somehow.
so my mom took me and my dad out to dinner tonight
and about halfway through we started talking about history
my dad totally introduced me to, and so you would think we’d agree on major historical trends
but unfortunately putting us in the same space and letting us talk history means something like my dad going:
and me going:
and my mom going
and probably wondering where she went wrong in life
so today in my life of struggle
I woke up and watched my parents try to share a bathroom, which was hilarious because they apparently have forgotten how (and they were never very good at it in the first place)
Packed my lunch with my dad asking if I want two packages of chocolate (seriously these idiots are such enablers of bad health decisions which is hilarious since both of them are getting super skinny in their old age)
Mom said “Your cousin Waylon is getting married next December.” To which I replied “December 2015?” and she said “No, they haven’t set a date yet” and Dad was like “Yes, December 2015” to which I said “What?” because I can’t understand when people talk over each other but then everybody (including me) just repeated what they said originally. A+++++ communication in my family.
Lost my car keys, found my car keys, lost my paperwork for my car maintenance, found the paperwork for my car maintenance (hummed sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset) and waited impatiently for my mother so we could get one of our cars to the mechanic. Left the paperwork for my car maintenance on the counter despite chanting ‘don’t forget the paperwork.’
Late, as we always are when my mother is involved, I tossed my phone on my passenger seat so I’d have directions to the mechanic (because my Mom’s directions went something like: “You know that road I like to take when we go to Costco, the one with the stop sign? Oh wait! Go through the parking lot! The Walmart parking lot!”) we finally made it to the mechanic
only to have the mechanic be super fucking hot
Now, I know I have a type. I totally accept that. I know what I like in guys and I know what I like in girls and y’know that’s totally fine. But at eight o’clock on a Thursday morning, I do not need to be dealing with anybody much less a super hot mechanic that basically goes down the checklist
✓ super strong jaw bone
✓ curly, slightly long hair (could have been longer but hey, they can’t all be bucky barnes)
✓ infinitely more useful than me when it comes to practical skills
✓ probably at least tolerant of classic car shows
✓ blue eyes blue eyes blue eyes
✓ doesn’t treat me like I’m an idiot even if I maybe deserve it because cars are so far beyond my realm of expertise it’s actually laughable
Of course, then I had to explain that in order to start my car you have to unlock the key fob or hit the kill switch under the dash, and my Mom was trying to explain that Howard (my car) is from Chicago and so he needed an ~anti-theft~ device, when really she should have just gone along with me and said “Look dude, I know it’s stupid. Just follow along.” And we got it all sorted out and then I had to take they key I just gave him and go get my lunch and then I had to go BACK to deal with him
Then, if possible, the morning got even worse as I realized I had left my phone (which of course was the phone the mechanic was supposed to contact me on) in my car (goddamn it why did I need directions) and so then my Mom (kindly) gave me her flip phone which I can’t use because it’s confusing (how do you call???)
Plus I wasn’t really paying attention to where we were and so she very politely asked “Do you want to stop at Florence Coffee?” even though she hates espresso and how much I spend on it (but it was probably a self-preservation thing because at that point I was a bit of a snarly mess) and I was like “wait. where are we??????”
And she looked me me like I was an idiot and said “We’re on the way to the historical society.”
And I was like “NO WE AREN’T THIS ISN’T HOW I GO TO WORK.”
And she just sort of side-eyed me and I put my head against the glass and stared at the four car line-up at Florence Coffee (which doesn’t happen when you go to work at seven thirty) and whispered dejectedly: “Why have I been getting shitty coffee every morning?”
Mom just sort of hummed and didn’t answer, which was probably a good decision.
But I couldn’t let it go! I wanted to know!
"Mom, when I told you ‘Florence Coffee is so inconvenient to get to on my way to work’ why did you not question that?"
And she just sort of shrugged and was like, “I thought you knew what you were talking about. I thought [this tiny road which is in no way a hindrance to travel] was the inconvenience you were talking about.”
So that is the story of my morning. Phoneless, coffee-less, and an hour away from having to talk to the Board of Trustees. If I leave the building I’ll probably get lost. I’ll have to go back and deal with the hot
tld;dr worst morning ever
i’m gonna cry i asked kayla to sort the founding father’s into Hogwarts houses for me and she not only did that but gave me little essays on her reasonings omfg
the things I do for my friends
Thomas Jefferson had one of those buy-some-land-get-the-whole-damn continent-free coupons which was about to expire on the 31st.